Bill Watterson
My husband and I are planning on starting a family when he comes home next week and while this makes me unconditionally happy it also brings with it some feelings of anger and resentment when I think about the future life of my unborn child. I've been feeling this way for a week or so now and I felt I needed to write it down so that I can get it out of my system instead of letting it fester like the poison it is.
To explain why I feel this way some back story about my family is needed.
- My older sister got pregnant and gave birth to my niece at the age of 16. We wouldn't trade dear sweet Emily for the world nor would we change the course of events that led up to now as we love her too much to change anything.
- Emily grew up in a loving home surrounded by her favorite auntie (me!), her uncle, meme (my mother), grampy, as well as another grandmother, great grandparents, and even a cousin. Very cool start to such a promising young life.
- My mother remarried in 2007 and has since then moved to Aberdeen, Scotland with my stepfather. She is the happiest I've seen her in a very long time and I adore my new dad. I dream someday of going to Scotland to meet that whole new side of my family and getting to pick on the new little brother I have. I would not trade my mothers happiness for all the riches in the world as she deserves to finally find some happiness in this lifetime.
I think you can see where this is going by now. But if you can't, I'll tell you what makes me bitter.
My entire life I have been in my sister's shadow, so to speak. She was older so she got to do everything first. She got to go everywhere first and she was the favorite (I'm not kidding, ask my mother who her favorite child is). I grew up with a severe case of middle child syndrome. I could never understand why she got away with bloody murder and I got grounded for doing the same because I should have learned from her mistakes.
Now don't get me wrong. I love my sister. It's been a long time coming as I couldn't stand her growing up and used to wish that bands of gypsies would come and steal her away at times, or wizards would come to my house and lift the spell she must have cast on our parents to make them oblivious to everything she did that should have gotten her grounded. But now we've mended our relationship and I look to her for wisdom and support to get me through whatever I happen to be going through. She's been there for me to cry on her shoulder and she was central to making my wedding the success it was. I love you Stachia Ann!!
What makes me bitter and jealous and hate the way life can be sometimes is that I know when I have my children they won't get to grow up with their grandmother only a car trip away. My mother is going to be 4,000 miles away and Skype is the best I'll be able to do for them to know her and love her the way I do. I will have to choose between having my mommy at my baby shower... or at the birth of my child. Choose between seeing her at Christmas or on their birthdays (if even that often).
Mom already had to miss both my bridal shower and my bachelorette party in order to make it to the states for my wedding. I hate that my children will have to go without knowing her as well just because I waited to have children. And that is where the viciousness comes in. It sounds horrible, like I'm condemning my sister for being an unwed teenage mother, and I honest to God am not. My sister is an amazing mother and is the best single parent that I know. She has sacrificed everything to ensure her daughter is well taken care of and has everything she needs to grow up happy and healthy.
Yet I can't help feeling the way I do. That life is so unfair and I'm getting the shaft for doing things in the "proper order." Long-term boyfriend, wedding, then children. I feel a touch better having this all written down instead of bottled up inside of me. I am hoping that something changes for the better of all parties involved. Who knows, maybe by the time I get pregnant they will have invented and perfected teleportation between countries. That would be great.
Until then, life sucks and then you die.
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