Squashed between a rock and a hard place

A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again.
Laurel Lee

Being stuck is a position few of us like. We want something new but cannot let go of the old - old ideas, beliefs, habits, even thoughts. We are out of contact with our own genius. Sometimes we know we are stuck; sometimes we don't. In both cases we have to DO something.
Rush Limbaugh

Today I need to get some things off my chest that are just going to fester if I don't "talk" about them. I have noticed that the holiday seasons are becoming more and more materialistic rather than focusing on the gathering of loved ones and creating memories to last lifetimes. When does enough become enough where you speak up about such quandaries? I am not just stuck in that spot between the rock and the hard place on making a decision about this, I am squashed in there and it's getting painful.

Holidays have always been about family to me rather than what you can find under the tree. Maybe that's because growing up we didn't always get everything we asked Santa for. Maybe it's because my parents and grandparents taught me that if I'm not grateful for everything I receive, then things will stop being given. The past few years during the Christmas season I have been witness to extreme ungratefulness and a lack of understanding the ideal that sometimes the best "gifts" we receive come in the smallest packages. 

How do you tell somebody their child behaves in such a way when it seems to be almost an encouraged part of their behavior? And how do you express feelings of unhappiness to a family over something that seems so trivial and silly after such a wonderful day (aside from the aforementioned witnessed behaviors)? 

I feel something needs to be said or these behaviors will just continue to occur, but doing so will only make the situation worse. Thankfully I have a year to contemplate this problem before I am forced to face it again and maybe by then those I have witnessed will have grown and matured some to realize the Earth does not revolve around them and that there are things more important than the number of packages under a tree.

Why I want to be like Edward Cullen

Would you please tell me what you're thinking? BEFORE i go mad? Edward Cullen

I'd rather know what you're thinking even if what you're thinking is insane. Edward Cullen

So I'm trying to keep to my philosophy of last week and take everything as it comes and make the most of what life has to offer. Sometimes this can be difficult, even with the underlying bubbly happiness I feel because I only have 5 more days until my husband comes home.

So here is what happened in a nutshell...

I attend college online at the University of Phoenix. I am proud to be a phoenix and with minor exceptions this school is perfect for me and my lifestyle. As with anything there can always be minor improvements and for UoP, the learning team aspect is something I wish we didn't have to deal with. 

Basically we are assigned to a group of 3-6 students that we are required to work with for the 5 week class and submit assignments that we all collaborate on. In theory this practice is a good one since we can't physically be in the same room to work together. It gives an added social experience to our schooling because we can use any form of communication that works for us.

In my current class my group has 6 students including myself and we are working on our first group assignment  this week. There are 4 problems to complete, each with multiple parts. A smart person would assume that the total number of parts would be divided up so that the work load is even for each person. This is often not the case. This particular instance had three of the students claiming an entire problem for themselves, leaving only one problem (with only two parts to answer) to be distributed between three other students. 

I normally complete every problem for every assignment for my own personal benefit so that I get as much practice as possible for the final exam, and then just submit whichever part I am assigned. In this instance I offered to post the whole assignment to the learning team forum so that we could all double check each others work. So that if I messed something up, chances are somebody would catch it and I could learn from it (and vice versa).

Apparently my classmate S.B. took high offense to this because she assumed I was saying that my work was better than everybody else's work and that we should only use my work. After repeated attempts to clarify what I meant and why I offered such a thing in the first place, a couple other members of the team spoke up to try and help out since we had been in previous learning teams together and they knew what I meant by my offer and how well it had worked in the past.

This only made dear S.B. more upset to the point she lashed out at the whole group saying that for the remainder of the class she was only going to be in the forum long enough to decide which part of the assignment she was going to do and then to submit it and to hell with the rest of us.

So why do I want to be like Edward Cullen?

If you haven't figured it out by now I want to be able to read people's thoughts and find out how their screwed up brains work. But I want like super heightened Edward Cullen powers. I don't want to have to be within a certain distance to work my magic. I want to be able to just have to call this woman on the phone and figure out just what makes her brain tick and to find out if she honestly thought I was trying to say their work wasn't good enough or if she is just a drama queen who was trying to cause trouble.

Not to mention, think of all the other cool things I could do with powers like that!! I could be the world's best journalist because I could read their minds. Nobody could keep secrets from me and I would always know what they really meant when talking to them. I could be a super spy able to get any information I wanted from any target just by asking a question and listening to their thoughts while they lied to my face. Awesome!

The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1

Dreams get you into the future and add excitement to the present.
Robert Conklin

Get excited and enthusiastic about your own dream. This excitement is like a forest fire - you can smell it, taste it, and see it from a mile away.
Denis Waitley

The days are passing quickly. How time flies when I reflect on the time spent apart from the one whose company I crave over all others. The time is dwindling until I am to be reunited with my husband and I can't seem to stop smiling lately. At first my face felt funny because it had been so long since I have been truly happy. But as I smile more and more the feeling becomes the normal and I don't remember being unhappy any longer. 

There will always be periods in my life where things aren't going my way or I don't like what life has given me, but I am determined to make the most of each and every day because I know that things could always be worse. I am healthy and well-fed, I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back, my family is safe and without great illness, and I have a circle of friends who are always there for me.

Each day that passes adds excitement to my life because I know that I am one day closer to starting my family. One class closer to attaining my college degree. One heartbeat closer to my happily ever after. I just know everything is going to turn out the way I've dreamed. I woke up this morning, apparently on the right side of the bed, and just had this feeling inside that I haven't felt since I was back in high school.

That feeling of building excitement I used to get before an upcoming sports event that I was part of. The slow pulsing of adrenaline seeping into my system throughout the course a few days making it so that I can hardly sit still by the time the day comes around. I feel that now each time I look at the calendar and realize that it's almost down to single-digit days before I am in my husband's arms again. 

I feel this again in my school life as well. I'm starting part 3 of my Intermediate Accounting class and once this finishes early in January I will begin taking the classes that will ultimately prepare me for my CPA exam. Knowing that I am that much closer to achieving what I set out to do so many years ago is exhilarating. I will have my career in only a few more short years, because of course I need the obligatory two years real world accounting experience.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. And I am never going to take this for granted again. I am going to live my life to the fullest and rejoice in everything that comes my way.

A woman who is a master of patience is master of everything else.

Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different outcome. Chinese Proverb


There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. Friedrich Nietzsche
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I am not a patient person. Just ask my friends. I am impulsive and I want what I want when I want it. I don't like waiting. Waiting to grow up, waiting to finish school, waiting to get married and have children. My life is full of waiting and it's a daily struggle to learn the patience I need in order to make it at this one-day-at-a-time pace the world has designed for me.

I have not seen my husband for 62 days and 22 hours. This is the absolute longest we have ever been apart since we met in August of 2001. It is absolute torture some days when I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and kiss him until I'm breathless. I know all the reasons that this decision we made is the right one. I know that it will put us on a path to attaining everything we want as a family, but it all comes down to that waiting thing again.

I try to keep myself busy to keep from thinking about how much I miss my husband. I try to fill up the time with family, friends, work, and college... but when I'm there lying alone in the dark trying to fall asleep without my best friend beside me the hours seem to stretch into forever. I know that I only have to suffer for another 16 nights alone until I will have him home with me again.

Each time I think about how close I am to hugging and kissing my husband my entire being feels lighter, like there is a weight lifted off my shoulders. To know that soon I won't be sleeping alone or eating dinner alone when friends cannot be found to share a meal with makes all my waiting worth it. I refuse to let reality seep in and remind me that after those 12 wonderful days and nights that I will have to face another 10 weeks alone before having him home for good.

Reality will just have to wait.